Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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