I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
