Only a mothe r could love this liver
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
