I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
God, I missed his penis.
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