the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
