I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
