we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
