Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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