So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
