I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
