see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
