When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
