do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
