Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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