Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
This is not my ceiling
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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