My sheets look like a crime scene.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
