can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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