I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Houston, we have a squirter
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
