Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize