she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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