my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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