Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
