Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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