walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
