These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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