I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
