Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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