Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
