i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Randomize
