around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
