the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
