well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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