I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
