My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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