i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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