My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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