just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
