Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
After tacos, we're chasing women.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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