Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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