Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
