my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
