I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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