Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
