There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
