I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
