I just cut my nipple shaving
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
