bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
