my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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