After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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