your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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