38 yer olds are good kisserssss
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
