Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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