When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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