I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
